( piano music playing )
%% when we want to love, we love %%
%% when we want to kiss, we kiss %%
%% with a little petting %%
%% we're getting %%
%% some fun out of life %%
%% when we want to work, we work %%
%% when we want to play, we play %%
%% in a happy setting %%
%% we're getting %%
%% some fun out of life %%
%% maybe we do the right thing %%
%% maybe we do wrong %%
%% spending each day %%
%% wending our way along %%
%% but when we want to sing %%
%% we sing %%
%% when we want to dance, we dance %%
%% you can do your betting %%
%% we're getting %%
%% some fun out of life %%
%% but when we want to sing %%
%% we sing %%
%% when we want to dance, we dance %%
%% you can do your betting... %%
- Thank you. - No problem, buddy.
%% some fun out of life. %%
( humming )
Michelle, I threw heck to the wind
And drove up to the country a day early.
I want to surprise Ian, spend a long weekend with him.
So I need you to call Mettler.
Tell him his papers were filed yesterday
And everything is fine.
I will talk to him first thing on Monday morning.
Then call my dentist, cancel that appointment.
Reschedule it for Tuesday afternoon
And then cancel my meetings for the rest of the day.
- ( phone beeping ) - you know what to do.
That's why you are my assistant.
- Kiss kiss kiss. - Is there anything else--
- Hi, Louise. - Hey, honey.
How's Chicago? Your flight leaves in a couple of hours, right?
- Can't wait to see you. - Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Excuse me, Lou.
I'm just about to head into a meeting.
I'll see you at the house tomorrow, okay?
Yeah, see you tomorrow.
I'll be driving up in the evening.
See you then.
Bye.
( humming )
Okay.
( sighs )
Ian's voice: "dearest Louise,
I am not spending the weekend here as planned.
I've come to a crossroads in our marriage
And I need to go away
And have some time to think.
Sorry to do this in a letter.
Please remember to feed the fish."
Please remember to feed the fish?
No no no no. I can't do-- no.
Stupid.
Um...
"I'm very sorry.
You're wonderful
And I don't deserve you."
- Michelle, listen. - I don't know what to say to him.
His purchase is going forward. That's what you need to tell him
Over and over again
Until he calms down.
I think you should call him.
No, I'm not gonna call him myself, Michelle.
- Michelle. - Yeah?
There's someone inside my house.
Oh. ( laughs )
Somebody quite romantic.
Listen, Michelle, no more calls for the rest of the day.
- I want you to hold all calls. - Okay.
Looks like I'm about to have a lot of sex.
Yup yup yup. Handle it yourself, miss Harvard bachelorette.
That's what I pay you to do.
Kiss kiss kiss.
- Ian! - ( groans )
You came back early to surprise me?
Ian?
( chuckles ) oh, look at these flowers.
They're just beautiful. You haven't done this for me in years.
Business meeting in Chicago, my ass.
Oh my God.
That is sexy.
Oh. Mm-mmm.
Yeah.
Uh-oh. What's wrong?
Please sit down.
No.
Please. Please.
Oh.
Oh, Ian.
- Uh, Louise. - This is so great.
Louise, I...
Oh.
I was in the middle of writing it when you got here.
So it's-- you're a day early.
You weren't supposed to be here till tomorrow.
Please feed the fish?
I crossed that part out.
It wouldn't have made it in the final letter at all.
- What does this mean, Ian? - Louise, I--
Why are you leaving? What do you need to think about?
- Why can't you think about it here? - I'm going to Paris.
Paris?
Look, I've been having serious doubts about this marriage.
- And I think that-- - no, you're not going, Ian.
You're gonna stay right here and we're going to work through this
Together as we always manage to do.
No, not this time.
Who is she?
No, this isn't about anybody else.
I mean, this is about you. It's about me.
It's about us. It's nobody else.
- But there is someone else. - No no.
Oh, you looked at your hand when you said no.
- Why did you look at your hand? - I didn't look--
And where's your wedding ring?
And why are there flowers everywhere and petals all over the floor?
Things haven't been right between us.
Well, nobody told me that, Ian.
I thought they were beautiful.
At our anniversary dinner two months ago,
You leaned into me, you took my hand
- And you said, I'm so happy." - I know. I was lying.
- You were lying? - I was lying.
- No, not lying. - I can't...
If you were confused or unhappy,
You decide to tell me this in a note?
After 13 years of marriage, that's what I deserve?
I can't stand confrontation, you know that.
Look, it's crappy of me, I realize it.
But you deserve better. I feel awful.
What am I supposed to do then, Ian?
Am I supposed to sit here and watch you leave
And not know why and just wait until the divorce papers come?
I mean, what kind of creep does that?
- Are you that kind of creep? - ( exhales )
And don't numb out on me.
You are not leaving this house
Until you at least try to work things out with me.
You are my husband.
That's the least you can do.
I'm in love with someone else, Louise.
There, I said it.
- Stop packing, Ian. - No.
- I said stop packing. - I'm going to Paris first thing in the morning.
No, you're not. You're not going anywhere.
- I'm very sorry. - I said stop packing!
( groaning )
( softly ) wha--?
What the fuck?!
Hey! Hey, what--
Louise! Louise!
Hey!
What the fuck?!
Have you gone completely insane?
- Louise! - Calm down. Calm down.
- You'll have an aneurism. - My head.
Yeah, I know. I'm really so sorry about that.
I really am. I brought you some water.
Fine, I'll drink it myself.
Ow. Oh, Ian.
Damn tooth. I've got a cavity.
Why am I duct taped
To a fucking chair, Louise?!
Because, my love,
I've decided to keep you here until we can work this out.
I don't love you anymore.
Then you'll just stay here until you do.
- That's completely insane. - Why?
Because life doesn't work that way.
You can't keep a person hostage until they love you.
Oh, come on, Ian. I'm sure it's been done before.
I love Sara, not you.
And that's not gonna change.
- Sara? Who's Sara? - She is the person I deeply love,
And you're making her look better by the minute.
Well, I'm sure she'll be hurt when you dump her,
But she'll live.
As a lawyer you took an oath to uphold the law.
I'm pretty sure you're not upholding the law here.
I could make a case for it.
Louise, I hate you and I think you're a psycho.
I'm gonna have you jailed or institutionalized.
That'll be pretty hard to do when you can't even move an arm.
I mean eventually. After I--
Yes, after you're free of course.
But by that time you won't want to because you'll love me again.
No Sara, no divorce, no pressing charges.
Just love,
The way it was supposed to be when we took our vows.
Do you remember, Ian?
- Hmm. - Hmm.
You know...
You know, Louise, you're right.
Come here. Come here.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Yeah, you know, it's...
You know, you're right.
( clears throat )
It really isn't fair of me to just, you know,
Up and leave without giving us a Chance to work this through.
It's-- yeah. So why don't you--
Why don't you untape me
And we'll sit down and we'll talk this out, okay?
You won't be untaped until you love me again.
Oh, come on, I love you. I do, I swear to God.
You're an atheist.
- I love you. - ( chuckles )
You're my wife.
Thank you.
Thank you for helping me see
What a stupid stupid thing I was about to do.
Yeah.
You shocked me into reality.
You really did.
I love you.
- I love you. - ( laughs )
I love you.
You are just the worst liar. You are.
Your pupils grow to the size of Pluto,
Your brow gets all sweaty, you can't even look me in the eye.
I love you, Lou. I do.
No, you don't.
You think I'm a psycho who you want to divorce and prosecute.
- I'm not an idiot, okay? - Why don't you let me go?
- But that will change, my love, you'll see. - Let me go.
- And we'll be happy.
- Let me go, you fucking lunatic! - We'll be happy.
- Let me-- - ( doorbell rings )
- Sara. - Sara?
Sara!
I'm a hostage here, Sara!
- Ian, shut up. - Hostage up here!
- Shut up, Ian! - Call the police!
- Shut up, shut up. - Call the po--
- Shh. - ( doorbell rings )
( muffled screaming )
Sara, I presume?
Hi. Yes, I'm Sara.
You must be...
Louise. Louise the wife.
I thought-- where's, um...
Ian.
Well, yeesh, is this a cliché.
But he's tied up at the moment.
So just come with me.
Let's have a chat, gal to gal.
- Sara. - Yeah.
Wow, you're very pretty.
Thank you. You're very pretty too, Louise.
But you're like... Wow.
( laughs ) anyway.
Come on, sit down.
So...
Congratulations. My husband is leaving me for you.
I am so sorry, Louise.
I-- I didn't-- I just fell in love with him.
I didn't mean to. It just--
No need to apologize.
I'm fine, really.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, I'm so glad.
I'm so glad because I've been feeling
So much sadness and guilt.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It must have been so hard for you, huh?
It was difficult, yeah.
Yeah.
( sighs )
Well, there's been a change of plans, Sara.
Um, Ian has decided
That he needs to stay here with me
To go over some final details.
Oh.
Well, we were supposed to leave first thing in the morning.
And I'd hoped that he was going to meet my family tonight.
My father is making chateaubriand and salad,
- Which is his special meal. - Oh, I know.
He told me all about it,
And he's very sorry that he can't come.
But he just wants to stay here with me
And go over the boring details of our separation.
He'll meet you at the airport. He promises.
Ugh, disappointed.
That's so selfish of me.
Listen, I know how you feel.
But I think it's very important
That, you know, we go over some final things
Before he abandons me forever.
I'm sure you understand.
( sighs )
Can I see him? Is he here?
He doesn't want to see you.
He said this to me, and I quote verbatim,
"if I see Sara right now,
I won't be able to stay with you for one more second.
I won't be able to do anything
Except kiss her madly
All over every part of her face,
Swoop her into my arms
And run screaming away."
Yeah, that sounds like him.
Yeah.
And I am truly sorry
Because I forced him to stay here tonight.
I hope you understand that.
- I do. - Yeah, thanks.
Can I call him on the phone later?
No, I'd really prefer that you didn't do that,
You know, out of respect for me.
It's kind of the least you can do.
But I really want to talk to him.
Well, think about how romantic it will be
When you're reunited on the plane to Rome.
- Paris. - Paris.
Paris. That is so romantic.
Wow, I always wanted to see Paris with Ian.
Are you okay, Louise?
Thanks for asking, Sara.
Not really, but I will be.
I will be. There's hope for me yet.
If you'll just excuse me.
Would you just tell him that...
I'm thinking of him?
And tell him...
I told him he had nothing to fear about coming clean with you.
I mean, he should have done it a year ago.
A year ago?
Yes. Yeah.
It probably would have been better.
Tell him I'm thinking of him.
You're thinking of him.
- Got it. - Thank you.
- ( muffled screaming ) - ( car starts )
( retches )
( sobbing )
Oh dear.
( muffled speaking )
( straining )
( groans )
- All right. - ( muffled )
I sent her away.
I told her that you would meet her at the airport
And that you and I had some last details to work through.
She's very pretty. Not so bright though.
( muffled )
Oh, I can't understand what you're saying.
- Ow! - Sorry about that.
What were you mumbling about?
Sara is exceptionally bright. You don't know her.
Exceptionally bright? I don't think so.
She introduced me to Russian literature.
So that's why you were struggling through "brothers Karamazov"?
She's not only beautiful, she's brilliant.
Brilliant brilliant brilliant.
She has the kindest heart of anyone I've ever known.
I'm sure she's exceptionally kind for a home wrecker.
She's also soulful, Louise.
I'm sure there's nothing about her that isn't completely wonderful.
And it doesn't matter!
By this time next year you'll struggle to remember her name.
No, by this time next year she'll be my wife
And you'll be locked away safe in a loony bin.
No no, nonsense and phooey, all of it. No more talking about her!
Okay, we'll talk about how your entire law career will be flushed down the drain
Once people know what a fruitcake you are.
Let's talk about that. How about we talk about that, Louise?
As a matter of fact...
- No, don't tape my mouth. - Why don't you just shut up?
I've had enough of that. Louise!
Ian, why don't you just shut up for a minute?
I want you to look at something, buddy.
Hmm? Hmm?
Do you remember this day?
Do you remember everything about this day like I do?
Huh?
How scared I was?
How I almost couldn't go through with it?
And do you remember-- do you remember sitting with me
In the back of the church
Just holding me?
Do you remember the promise that you made?
How I never had to be afraid,
That nobody in my life
Would ever love me as much as you did.
You said, "I promise." you kept saying this over and over again.
You kept saying, "I promise. I promise."
And when the minister finally asked you
If you would take me as your wife, you said,
"I do, I promise."
Do you remember the first years of our marriage?
The sweetness of it? I mean, really almost the unbearable sweetness of it--
That feeling like we'd tricked the world,
Defied the odds and found each other.
Do you remember that, Ian?
I have to go to the bathroom.
God.
( sighs )
Do you know if we have any Tylenol in the house? My tooth really hurts me.
No.
What's that smell?
I'm baking you some cookies.
Some chocolate chip cookies. They're your favorite.
( sighs ) listen, I--
Louise,
I really have to go to the bathroom.
You can wait.
I fed the fish.
Look at yourself. You're pathetic.
I mean, look what you're stooping to here.
This isn't you. I mean, you're so above this.
You're not desperate. You're an accomplished woman.
You have an amazing career. You got a ton of friends.
And you're sitting here acting like you're a big nothing without me.
- You don't need me. - You're the only one I need.
Don't do that.
I won't become just another single, divorced,
40-something woman, childless,
Answering online dating ads at night
And watching reality television, okay?
And I won't get stuck in the past
Wondering whatever happened to my best friend
Off in Paris with somebody barely out of her teens.
She's 24, actually.
I won't get addicted to ice cream and start feeling sorry for myself
And gain 30 lbs and get set up with losers.
I just refuse to be lonely.
I refuse to go to movies by myself
And to deepen my friendships with other women in my situation.
And I just refuse to be without you.
- I would rather just-- - what?
Die? Would you actually rather die?
Let's just say I'd rather go to jail.
I'm not gonna die.
Nobody's gonna die.
Because everything is just--
Everything is just gonna be fine.
Louise, please just let me go.
- No. - Let me go.
Listen, why don't we just sit down
And talk all this out?
If I'm all taped up here
You know we're not gonna be able to work anything out.
Hmm?
No.
Louise, I have to go to the bathroom.
It's gonna get really messy pretty soon.
Look, I promise I won't run away.
Just like I did that day, I promise.
I'm not gonna run away.
So why don't you just, you know,
Untape me now
While it's still in the funny stage
Before it gets too ugly?
- Just say it again. - What?
Just say I promise.
I promise.
I promise, Louise. I won't run away.
I promise just like I did that day
And from the deepest part of myself.
Jeez.
( both laugh )
Yeah, right.
This is getting a little crazy.
Yeah, well, it's...
I'll just go get the scissors, okay?
Yeah.
All right. Jeez, Ian.
So sorry.
Ah. Wow.
( laughing )
I really used a lot.
Oh, that's better.
Ian, I'm really actually not very happy about any of this.
Yeah, I know how it is.
- There you go. - That's it.
Ah, it's sticky stuff.
- I'm sorry. - Oh God, that feels better.
- I almost got it. - Got it?
Ow!
What did you do to the phone, Louise?
Did you cut the--
I don't love you. I don't want to be with you.
You're pathetic, you're ugly and you make me sick.
Fucking psycho freak.
Where are your goddamn keys, Louise?
Ah! Ha!
( panting )
Ah!
Well, I found the Tylenol.
It's helping just a little bit.
I'm gonna have to get to the dentist next week.
Would you like some Tylenol for your head?
Jesus.
Is this really happening, Louise?
I think it is.
I'm hoping it's just a bad dream.
Me too.
- You can end it. - So can you.
Louise, what do you want from me, huh?
My heart just isn't in it anymore.
I simply don't want to be with you.
- Would you like a cookie? - No.
They came out really good.
Cookies aren't gonna do the trick, Lou.
Does she make you cookies?
No, she doesn't make me cookies.
Hmm.
Where did you go?
I just want to know, where did you go?
Did you go to her apartment? Did you go to a hotel?
Did you come up here without my knowing it?
Yes, yes and yes.
It was easy. You worked so many hours.
- How did you meet her? - What does it matter?
- I just want to know. - I met her at my accountant's.
She's the receptionist.
She's Murray’s receptionist?
Then I've met her too.
I don't even remember her. She's unmemorable.
Yeah, well, not to a man.
She's not just a receptionist.
She's working on her doctorate.
She's gonna be a psychologist.
So how did you first ask her out?
I mean, did you just ask her to dinner?
- She asked me, okay? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, she called a number of times before I said yes.
And at first it was just about the sex?
At first it's always just about the sex.
And then she became your best friend?
Well, no.
- No? - Louise, not every relationship is the same.
You always said all you wanted in life
Was to be married to your best friend
And that you were the luckiest man in the world
Because you were married to your best friend.
Yes, I know what I said. But that's not the way every relationship goes.
Sometimes you don't want to be married to your best friend because the passion gets lost.
So you had a lot of passion with her?
Will you stop? I'm not--
You know, yeah. A truckload.
But no intimacy.
Oh, it's a different kind of intimacy.
What kind of intimacy was it then?
A passionate kind of intimacy rife with mystery.
I don't always know what she's thinking.
I don't always know what she's feeling.
I'm constantly discovering things.
But you always said that two people
Never knew each other better than you and I,
That we understood each other.
- Yeah. - And you loved that.
- I stopped loving that. - Why?
- I don't know. - What could be better than that?
Certain things are a lot better.
Like sex with a new person?
She needs me, lo.
Oh, I need you, Ian.
You haven't needed me for years.
Are you kid-- you're a superwoman.
You make more money than I do, you can fix anything,
You can bench-press more than me.
- What do you need me for? - Ian, I need you.
I need you so much.
You need someone. Not me.
Not me in particular.
She needs me in particular.
All right, I don't need you.
But I love you. Isn't that better?
Oh, completely not better, no.
( sighs )
Why did you ever love me, Ian?
- I don't know. - Oh, sure you do.
And I want you to think about that while I go get you some cookies.
No, I'm not gonna think about it.
Sure you are, Ian. Would you like some milk?
I don't want any cookies!
I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.
( screams )
( groans )
( voices chatting, laughing )
( slow dance music playing )
%% your eyes %%
%% they're bright as the Moon %%
%% that twinkles in June %%
%% but only for me %%
%% 'cause you're Heaven sent %%
%% you're the main event %%
%% my love, it's true %%
%% and I thank my lucky stars... %%
These are the exact same cookies I've been making for you all of these years.
But these are extra special
Because I put a magic spell on them.
When you eat one, you will deeply love me again
For the rest of your life and beyond.
Ugh.
Just kidding.
- Just have a bite. - No.
Just have a bite of the cookie. Come on.
- You really need to eat. - I don't want it, Louise.
- Come on. Come on, honey. - Don't do that. Don't please.
Just don't--
Your mother made me promise on her deathbed
That I would continue to make you these cookies for the rest of your life.
She said I was the best thing that ever happened to you;
That until you met me you had no direction and no purpose.
I picked you up by your bootstraps and gave you a life.
You did.
Do you think she would approve of what's happening right now?
I don't think she'd want to see me taped to a toilet.
I don't mean that. I mean, do you think
She would want you to leave me for Murray’s receptionist?
What my dead mother thinks I should do
- Is no great concern to me. - It should be.
What anyone thinks I should do is not a big concern.
You could name any member of my family, dead and alive,
And tell me they don't agree with what I'm doing and I could care less.
Would you like another cookie?
Not really.
How about some music? Hmm?
How about some music, Ian? Huh?
Oh! Oh, this is beautiful.
Beautiful.
Mm-hmm.
- ( music playing ) - oh God.
Oh, that's stooping low, Louise.
We danced to it at--
Yes, at our wedding. I remember.
Seems like a lifetime ago.
Right outside this window.
%% but only for me %%
%% 'cause you're Heaven sent... %%
You said it was the happiest day of your life.
A relationship ending is like a death
That just two people know about.
( sighs ) a whole life gets lost.
Everything we did together,
All the places we traveled,
The fights,
The small moments of tenderness.
Don't forget all the failed in-vitro attempts.
How could you say that to me?
Do you want to hurt me even more?
No, I'm just remembering everything,
And it wasn't all perfect.
Perfect? Who said it was perfect?
You used to say it was perfect.
You said it all the time. "aren't we perfect?"
God, it was a lot to live up to.
It was just too much to sustain.
I mean, it was like it wasn't real.
It was real.
Yeah, until we stopped trying to have a child.
And is that why? Is that why you want to leave me?
Because I didn't have your child?
No no. It's what happened after, Louise.
You became human. I saw your flaws.
You talk too loud, you know? You talk over me.
And the sex, it became so mechanical.
No, no it didn't.
And you were always in denial.
God, Ian, we spent so many weekends
In this house trying to get pregnant.
I counted meals.
What?
When we came up here, sometimes the meals were so strained
I would count them.
I hated them.
I started counting them to see how many of them were left in the day.
You stopped loving me.
I never knew.
You know, I tried to pretend it wasn't happening.
I thought if I could pretend it wasn't happening
Maybe somehow it would go away.
And then you met Sara.
And then I met Sara.
And you succumbed to her.
I succumbed.
I don't believe you really love that woman.
Not really.
You can believe anything you want.
But I'm going to Paris with her.
I guarantee you I will be on that plane tomorrow.
I still guarantee you won't.
And I'm going to propose that she be my wife.
- No, you're not. - Oh, I certainly am.
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.
I'm telling you right now there's no way.
Could you please leave me alone? I need to use the bathroom.
Not that this isn't fun.
( sighs ) God.
Excuse me.
Have you ever heard of the Stockholm syndrome?
Yes. Hostage falls in love with their captor.
Yes.
It's gonna take something much bigger.
An act of God really.
Now please close the door.
Close the door, please.
Close it!
Close the door!
Lake Ashimi. That was the trip we fell in love.
- Do you remember? - Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm. Oh.
Your first office.
You remember I came by to put your name on the door?
- That was nice of you. - Yeah.
And there-- aw.
Ian: The night I proposed to you
In front of el troubadour's.
- Yes. - Mmm.
You said yes.
Yeah, without hesitation.
You were sweating. I felt so bad for you.
Well, I was scared you'd say no.
I said yes like 17 times in a row.
- Want some? - No.
This just isn't fair, Lou.
Yes, it is.
It's more than fair, it's fact.
That was the day we painted our house.
- Was it after we got married? - No, it was just before.
Oh.
Do you remember, Ian?
- Hmm? - Turn it off, Louise.
- I'm not finished yet. - Yeah, but I'm finished.
It doesn't matter what you show me.
- We're not those people anymore. - Oh, yes, we are.
None of the slides you've shown me are from the last 10 years.
I mean, where are those slides? We don't have them.
Whatever we had that was so special
Just doesn't exist anymore.
We just need to make more slides.
No, no more slides. No more anything.
No more life together. In fact, you know what? From this moment on,
I'm just gonna scream and be as unpleasant as possible
Until you let me fucking go!
- Look at this one. - ( screaming )
- I'm trapped with a lunatic. - Stop it. Stop yelling.
Stop yelling, Ian, and look at the slides.
- Help! - Stop yelling!
- I can't take it anymore! - Ian!
Help, my wife has lost her fucking mind!
My wife, she's completely psychotic!
Anybody, please help!
If you can hear me, I'm being held hostage
And I'm taped to a toilet! Help!
( Ian continues yelling )
Please come and help me!
Hel--
You look very nice, Louise.
Thank you.
I haven't seen you in a sexy dress
In quite a long time.
Doesn't change a thing, of course.
What's the guitar for?
I am going to play...
( strums )
And sing you a song.
Please don't.
I'm gonna serenade you like we did
When we first met. And you're gonna like it.
God, no. I'm so embarrassed for you right now.
Will you just listen, Ian?
Oh God, no no no.
%% my love and I %%
%% were washed up at sea %%
%% and quietly he looked at me %%
%% I said, "what do you need %%
%% my love, my love? %%
%% what do you, what do you need?" %%
( mumbles )
%% coconuts-- %%
Louise, this is beyond--
It's just so not working. Put the guitar down.
I just can't remember the words. Shit, how does it go?
Wait.
%% in the moonlight %%
%% la la la. %%
Well, I would applaud
But you made that impossible.
You could applaud with your face.
Does it look like I'm applauding with my face?
- No. - You knocked me out cold
And you taped me to a toilet.
Your romance is completely lost on me.
I mean, it's more like torture.
Now it's going to take a Miracle,
Nothing less. And since we both know
The odds of something otherworldly happening here,
Why don't you just let me go?
No.
( sighs )
Louise, just give up.
I won't.
( door closes )
( tapping )
( sighs )
( door opens )
How are you doing?
Bored and angry, want to wring your fucking neck-- same as before.
Just checking.
Listen, I'm gonna be going to the market in town
'cause I'm gonna make you a really fancy romantic dinner.
Any requests?
Could you get me my cell phone? And why don't you drop dead?
You don't mean that, baby.
Now the only way I would eat your fancy romantic dinner
Is if you'd force-feed it down my throat.
( screams )
( car engine starts )
( yelps )
( screams )
...984, 985,
986,
987, 988,
989, 990...
991, 992.
( engine humming )
( loud music playing )
Hey hey!
Hey! Whoa! Hello!
Up here! Help!
Hey!
( banging on window )
Help! Help!
Hey, listen to me. I'm trapped up here. Help me.
Help me!
( banging ) help!
( banging )
Help!
Hey, help!
Help.
Help help help help.
Help.
Hello.
Are you there?
Help!
%% it's not my fault I look better in her party dress %%
%% it's not my fault that you left your slutty girlfriend %%
%% it's not my fault, this is how my mama made me %%
%% I've been magnetic since I was a baby... %%
Help!
%% it's not my fault I look cuter in his boxing gloves %%
%% it's not my fault that she left you for my shiny tongue... %%
Help!
Yo, please shut the fuck up. I'm trying to rob you.
What?
I said shut up or I'll bash your stupid fucking head in.
( laughs ) talk about an easy target.
You come into a house and the owner's already tied up for you.
It's a beautiful beautiful thing,
Proof of a higher power, if you ask me.
You're never gonna get away with this.
I told you to shut up, man.
( groans )
Thank you.
%% I've been magnetic since I was a baby %%
%% in my fist there's a song %%
%% do you wanna sing along? %%
%% yeah yeah yeah yeah %%
%% in my fist there's a song %%
%% do you wanna sing along? %%
%% yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. %%
( knocks ) hey.
Um, excuse me, sir,
Do you happen to have any cash on you?
No, I don't.
You don't have any cash?
No, I have no cash.
( screams ) God.
Are you sure you don't have any cash?
God.
- It's-- - huh?
My wallet in my pants.
Wallet's in your pants? ( laughing )
- Yeah. - That's great.
Look at you, man.
You're taped to a fucking toilet.
Not that I care really, but who did this to you?
My wife.
( laughing )
You pussy. That's perfect.
Holy shit, your fucking wife taped you to a goddamn toilet.
What a day you're having, huh?
You must feel pretty humiliated.
Yep.
See, here's the difference between you and me, man--
Whenever I get the urge to get married
I grab my balls
And I squeeze them
Until I can't feel my legs
And then it just passes.
( laughing )
What did you do to her?
- Excuse me? - To your wife to make her tape you to a toilet.
You must have done something to her.
That's none of your business.
I'm so interested in human nature,
Like what makes people do the things that they do.
My girlfriend thinks I could be a philosopher.
I got this theory about love.
- You wanna hear it? - No.
I think that love is an experiment
By a higher power.
Call it God or whatever you want,
But I think that it's still being worked out, you know, the kinks.
It's not complete. It's like a test.
Brilliant.
Listen to me. If love is a test,
Then you're failing, okay?
And in the grand scheme of things that makes you a failure.
No, that does not make me a failure.
Okay, you promised this woman that you'd love her
For the rest of your life, right?
And clearly-- clearly, you're failing at that.
You failed her. Yeah, man, you're a failure.
Who are you to judge me? You're a criminal.
Fuck you, man. I'm an honest person.
- Oh. - Yeah.
I never-- I never pretend to be anything I'm not.
And I would never promise anyone the Moon
And then mean only "until I get tired of giving you the Moon"--
- Never, all right? - Mm-hmm.
So you think about that while I'm loading your belongings into my van.
Mm-hmm.
You pussy loser.
( car approaching )
- Who the fuck is that? - Louise.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
Hello, my love.
I'm home.
( Louise screaming, man shouting )
Lou! Lou!
- ( glass shatters ) - Louise: No no no!
No! Please please.
God, don't hurt her.
Louise. Louise.
Don't hurt her!
Louise.
Louise. Oh my God, is she dead?
She definitely looks dead.
What did you do to her?
What'd do you do to her?
I just made her really really quiet.
It was fun too. You want me to do it to you?
You know what we need?
I wish we had a matching toilet to tape her to.
That'd be pretty funny.
Shit, nice tits.
Mind if I squeeze them a little bit?
Don't you touch her.
Or what? What, you're gonna urinate on yourself?
I'll kill you, I swear to God.
Just look that way for a second. Just look that way.
- Oh, shit. - Stop it!
God, I would never get sick of these.
( grunting )
When was the last time you touched these tits?
Fuck, she's perfect, man.
You lucky bastard.
Oh, God, what I would do to you.
Shit. You lucky fuck.
( exhales ) oh my God.
Oh, God.
( rattling )
I don't think he'll kill us, 'cause we can't see his face.
I don't care about anything we own in this house.
I mean...
It sounds like he's just taking
Everything that's not strapped down.
I hope he doesn't-- I hope he doesn't take
That silverware set your mother left us--
That antique set.
I wish we had left that in the city.
You know,
There is that expensive painting
That we invested in.
What was the artist's name?
Kamasuki? Kamayudo?
Yeah.
I hate that painting.
I don't care if it's worth 20 grand.
I mean, it looks like it was made by a third grader really.
What did you say? You said it reminded you of the rain.
The only reason I bought it was to make you happy
And to remind you of the rain.
Oh my God, look at us, Louise.
This is-- it's ridiculous.
I mean, for all I know, this is how it's gonna end for us--
Right here in this bathroom with the wallpaper I hate.
Why the hell did we not ever take this wallpaper down?
I do remember that day
In the coat room of the church
When I was holding you and I was just rocking you.
I was just rocking you back and forth.
And you got dust all over your wedding gown.
You looked so beautiful.
I was terrified.
It's not your fault, Louise.
It's not your fault
That we couldn't have children.
And I started hating my life,
Hating my boss, hating the advertising industry,
Hating our apartment, hating this house,
Everything that we bought that we thought we wanted,
Just hating everything. I just started feeling
Like a big miserable bastard
Because we, you know--
Some people have nothing and there we were.
We could buy stupid expensive paintings.
Some people have nothing.
Say something, Louise.
Tell me about your crazy job.
Tell me about your hectic schedule.
Complain for me, Louise.
Just say something, please.
Come on, Louise.
Don't leave me alone here in this bathroom
Wondering if I'm gonna die.
Don't leave me alone, Louise. Come on, just say something.
Please, come on. I'll listen. I'll listen.
( men's voices )
What the fuck?
Is he having a party here now?
( laughing ) you can't do that.
( both laughing )
Oh, shit. Fucking loser.
( exhales )
I know what I am, Louise.
I'm a nothing.
I don't stand for anything anymore.
I am just a loser
Taped to a toilet.
And it would be poetic Justice
If this is where I died.
You didn't marry this man, Louise.
Why do you think I wanted to go to Paris?
I had this romantic idea of myself, you know--
That I could maybe be a hero to somebody again,
Just maybe.
But look at me. I'm a joke.
You didn't marry a joke.
You married somebody who had dreams, you know,
Who promised you the world.
And look what you ended up with--
Someone who lied to you,
Who deceived you,
Who couldn't protect you in the end--
A loser on a toilet.
I'm sorry, Louise.
I'm--
I'm so so sorry.
Three, two...
( laughing )
That was so loud.
Come here.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on. - Jesus Christ.
Oops, sorry about the rug.
Sorry about your rug.
Shh.
( laughing )
How did you do that?
( muffled rock music playing )
( exhales )
( groans ) hello?
Hello? Is anybody there?
Ian?
Ian, where--? Oh my God, where are you?
Louise Louise Louise.
( exhales )
Ian.
( coughing )
Louise, we're in the bathroom. We're being robbed.
- Oh. - Are you okay?
I can't move my arms or my legs.
You're taped, Lou. Can you stand?
I don't know. I'm just gonna--
I'm just gonna try.
See if you could go over to the light switch.
And maybe you could rub against it
And maybe you could turn it on or something.
Oh, God, my head just hurts and my tooth is throbbing.
I'm just a mess.
I know, I know, I know.
I just want to see your face.
There you are.
I'm so sorry, Ian.
Shh, no, it's okay.
It's not your fault.
Lou, why don't you just try the door?
- What? - Try the doorknob.
Maybe you can escape through the back.
I can't get a grip.
Shit.
Oh, God.
Well...
Did he touch you?
No, he just--
I came home and he-- I just was--
Everything was gone. All our stuff was
All over the floor in garbage bags.
And then he jumped me
And then he smashed my head into the ground.
And I just don't remember anything after that.
I'll kill him.
Ian, I'm so ashamed.
I'm so ashamed for what I did to you.
No no no.
I'm ashamed.
I'm ashamed of what I did to you.
Do you think he'll kill us?
I don't know. Come sit next to me.
I want you to sit next to me.
Why?
I just want you to be next to me, Lou.
Maybe we'll only have an hour left together,
Maybe 15 minutes,
But let's talk this through.
Let's work our marriage out
Even if it's only for 15 minutes.
Are you just saying that because you're taped to a toilet?
I've had a lot of time to think about this,
And I don't want to fail you.
I'm pretty sure I still love you.
Sure I want to kill you sometimes.
Like all day today.
Well, yeah, you know, 'cause you just make me crazy.
You just talk talk talk talk talk talk over me.
And you're so opinionated,
You know, sometimes it just makes me numb.
I won't do that anymore. I won't talk over you
And I won't have opinions, I promise.
You can have opinions.
You should quit your stupid job.
You'd be so much happier if you just quit your stupid job.
You hate working at that company.
You're right.
I should quit. I should quit
And I should take the money that I've saved
And I should open up my own company.
My clients-- they'd follow me.
Yeah, that's a beautiful idea.
Yeah! You know what else?
We should keep trying to have a child,
Or we could even adopt.
Do you mean that?
Yes.
Not just because you're taped to a toilet?
I mean it.
And I need to start romancing you a little more...
- Yeah. - ...Just like I did when we first were married.
I miss those days, Lou.
Every day you'd look all sexy for me.
You called me ugly.
You're not ugly.
You are a beautiful woman.
You were gonna leave me for a child.
I'm not leaving you.
You had an affair.
People have affairs.
And they end.
I'm gonna make it up to you, Lou,
I promise.
Oh.
Ugh.
The light just blew.
Better to see you in the moonlight.
( sighs )
( birds chirping )
( car approaching )
( snoring )
( doorbell rings )
Ian!
( ringing doorbell )
Ian, open the door.
Ian, I'm serious.
Who are you?
Oh, shit.
Oh, I guess they made up.
Ian, Ian, what is going on?
Be quiet, lady, please.
Whoa, hey, please, come on, don't hurt her.
"oh, please don't hurt her."
Why? What are you gonna do about it,
Huh, toilet man? ( laughs )
I hope nobody else shows up. We're running out of tape.
We only have one roll.
Haven't you gotten everything you've wanted?
Why don't you just leave already?
Look at the sexy, kinky bondage couple.
You guys are into some weird shit.
( laughing )
Please just let us go.
Let me think about that.
Nope, I don't think so.
- Hey. Ow! - Hey, don't you--
Shut up.
Hey!
You know, I actually prefer the older one.
The younger one reminds me of my whiny bitch girlfriend.
What's your name, beautiful, huh?
Come on, why are you being like this? What's your name?
- Louise. - Louise.
Stop. Stop it.
Do you know I find you beautiful?
I do, I do--
Every pore, every line, every curve.
You deserve better than that ape. Do you know that?
I'd know what to do with you. God, I want you so bad.
Hey, leave her alone!
- No no no! - No!
( both women screaming )
- No no! - No no!
No no, please. I'll do whatever you want.
( laughing ) oh, no.
Woman: Babycakes, you're taking too long.
Whiny bitch.
Coming, sweetness.
( women scream )
- ( glass shatters ) - ( people laughing )
( objects shattering )
Sara...
( screaming )
- Oh my God. - Calm-- calm down. Calm down, calm down.
He's gonna kills us. We're gonna die.
And we're gonna spend our last moments on earth
With your stupid ex-wife.
Um, we're still married.
We're not gonna die. Please calm down.
Oh my God.
( rock music playing )
Why was she sitting on your lap?
Oh, when you didn't show up at the airport
I was so angry!
I drove straight here.
Okay, Sara, Sara, you're gonna have to--
Sara! Sara, try to calm yourself.
We're just being robbed here.
Oh, God, they taped you to the toilet.
No, I did that.
What?
It's a long story. It doesn't matter.
Ian, are you reconciling with your wife?
Yes, he is.
I didn't ask you. I asked him.
Um...
Oh, Ian, just tell her. Just tell her.
Get it over with.
Sara,
I'm really very sorry about everything.
No, you don't love her, Ian. You love me.
I'm your little Russian bobo.
She's your little Russian bobo?
They are going to kill us.
We have to remain calm!
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to my boyfriend.
I don't care what you think.
I care what he thinks. Oh, have you seen this?
Check this out.
I don't know, that must have cost him $10,000.
- Sara-- - you spent $10,000 on a bracelet for her?
It was about $3,000.
Yeah, he did, because he's in love with me.
You!
Okay, please.
Please, this isn't helping.
Please, we are in a dangerous situation here.
Please.
Now listen.
Sara, he didn't use that much tape on you.
Why don't you see if you can free your hands?
I'm not moving, Ian, until you tell your wife
That you are leaving her forever.
Can we please just work all that out later?
We are in danger.
Okay, fine, so just tell her, Ian,
And I'll do whatever you say.
Fine, if that's all it takes.
Louise, I'm leaving you for Sara.
- Fine. - And he's not just saying that to shut me up.
He's saying it because it's true.
And believe me, however this works out,
We will be in Paris together next week
And you'll be crying to your girlfriends.
- ( grunts ) - stop!
Please try freeing yourself.
I can't.
Try harder.
You know what? I said I can't.
Louise, would you please just go help her?
I don't want to touch her.
- Louise! - Fine.
Oh, God, it's just not working, Ian.
Oh, I hate you, Ian. I wish I'd never met you.
Shh.
Shh shh shh.
Did you hear that?
( engine starts )
I think they're leaving.
Whoo!
He's riding away on a lawnmower.
Sara, Sara, did you see any kind of vehicle,
Like from a lawn company or anything?
Well, I was pretty angry and upset when I got here, Ian, so I--
I think-- yeah, maybe I saw a van
And a car or two. I don't remember.
A van?
Yes, I saw a van-- an unmarked van.
Doesn't our lawn company have a company van?
I-- I'm trying to remember. I don't know.
I mean, yes, they do. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm sure they do.
So who are these guys?
I don't know. I didn't think we had anyone
Working on our lawn until next month.
Some strange guy shows up and starts mowing our lawn.
Maybe that's how he operates, you know.
Maybe he just stakes out empty houses
During the week and robs them.
And maybe he just didn't count on finding us here.
Well, let's listen and see if they're gone.
I don't hear anything.
No.
And they didn't kill us.
They just left.
( both laughing )
They just left.
Look, I need to know right now
Whether or not you're going back
To your ugly fucking wife.
Look, honey, this is not the time to do anything
But figure out how to get free.
We've been tied up all night.
( Ian sighs )
May I have a moment alone with Ian, please?
Where do you expect me to go, hon?
Oh, I don't care. Why don't you get in the shower
And hum yourself a little tune
So I can have a moment alone with him?
Please.
Fine.
( humming a tune )
I love you, you fool.
Okay, I understand that.
"okay, I understand that"?
That is what you're gonna say to me right now?
My wife's humming in the shower.
What do you expect me to say?
Oh, Ian, I could have dated anyone--
Anyone--
Fernando, the hot Guy from the gym;
Dr. Cohen, my dermatologist;
Fred the bank guy-- anybody.
But I chose you.
I know, I know.
You make me feel smart and sexy
And strong and beautiful. I wanted to go to Paris with you
And I want to spend my life with you.
And I don't think that just because we're experiencing
This little blip
That anything should change.
( continues humming )
Yeah, you know,
I had a lot of sorting out to do, Sara,
I'm sorry.
It's not so simple anymore, okay?
You're forgetting. How could you forget?
I'm not forgetting.
Please don't forget.
Okay, it's been more than a minute.
Okay. Are you feeling any calmer?
No! This is an absolute nightmare.
I should have just gotten on the plane to Paris
- And gone alone. - Yes, you should have.
Louise, Louise.
Shut up.
All right, all right.
Listen, if Ian truly loves you,
He will come to see that.
And if he does, I will be graceful about it
And I will let him go.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay, we've just gotta figure out how the fuck to get out of here.
My cell phone is in my back pocket.
If one of you guys can reach it,
Maybe you can dial 911.
Man: And you say you never saw their faces?
No, never.
And what was the name of the lawn service that you normally use?
Mountain view lawns. I don't think it's those guys.
There was a van in the driveway,
But it was unmarked.
Can you describe it to me?
It was tan
And it had a lot of
Dirt and dust on it.
That's all I remember.
How many passenger seats?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't count
Because I didn't know the house was being robbed.
Have you had any contact in town
With anyone who asked you questions about your house
Or your schedule or anything like that?
- No. - No, not really, no.
We really haven't had any contact with anyone in town,
Not for the 13 years we've been up here, no.
Yeah, we've pretty much kept to ourselves.
I've only been to the town once.
Now who are you? Now what's the relationship?
I'm his girlfriend.
- His mistress. - Mm-hmm.
We were supposed to go to Paris this morning
Where he may or may not have been planning
To ask me to marry him.
Okay.
Has this kind of thing ever happened before, officer?
I'm sure lots of people have had affairs with much younger women.
No, I mean a guy on a mower robbing people
Who have vacation homes up here.
We had a string of robberies a few years ago,
But we caught the guy. I've never really seen
A robbery like this before.
Can you two come down to the station later today and file a formal report
- Of everything that's been taken? - Yes, of course.
You really think you're gonna catch these guys?
It's hard to say.
You're not really giving us much to go on.
There's a Chance someone might blab about it to a friend.
We'll catch him that way. Who knows?
Here's something they overlooked.
- Wow. - Your family's silverware.
I can't believe they didn't see that.
God, that is so lucky.
What a blessing.
Here's our station's address. Come down at noon.
Yeah, we'll be there.
Sorry this happened to you folks.
Oh, thanks thanks.
We recommend locking your doors securely.
Oh, yes, we will. We will.
Okay, bye now.
I can't believe they took everything.
( crying ) they just took everything.
Oh, Lou, I know, I know.
It's okay. We're alive.
That's the important thing, you know?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
We're okay. We're alive.
- And everything's gonna be okay. - ( crying )
It's okay.
They could have killed us.
We're just plain lucky they didn't, Ian.
I know. It's all gonna be okay.
Goodbye.
( Louise singing ) %% my love and I were washed up at sea %%
%% and quietly he looked at me %%
%% and said, "what do you need %%
%% my love, my love? %%
%% what do you need?" %%
%% "bring me 78 coconuts," said he %%
%% "bring me starry fish from the sea %%
%% but most of all" %%
%% said my love %%
%% "my love, I need to be brave." %%
( baby cooing )
Okay, Ruby.
Shh, she's about to go to sleep.
I'll applaud with my face then, okay?
( laughing )
What time are the movers coming?
They said they'd be here around 3:00.
I can't believe how easy it was to sell this place.
Yeah.
I'll be so happy once we're out of this crazy house.
You're already happy.
Okay, what was that for?
'cause I love you.
Hey, are you hungry?
Do you want to go into town for one last lunch?
Are you asking me out on a date?
I am.
I'm asking you and Ruby out on a family date.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Hey.
( instrumental music playing )
%% your eyes %%
%% they're bright as the Moon %%
%% that twinkles in June %%
%% but only for me %%
%% 'cause you're Heaven-sent %%
%% you're the main event, my love %%
%% it's true %%
%% and I thank my lucky stars %%
%% for every day with you. %%
{{{ the end }}}